He is risen, just as He said!

The kids had 3 egg hunts in 2 days. They were given, and consumed waaaay more candy that should be humanly possible. We managed to take a few family pictures. But I'm laughing so hard at the shots that ended up being the "best" from the batches. We did most of the usual Easter stuff... lunch and egg hunt with the cousins at GG & P-pa's house after church, then evening egg hunt and dinner at my parents' house with my other grandparents. It was a beautiful afternoon - finally a warmish day.

This is so funny to me because of Elijah's face. What is that??

I have lots of thoughts for this Easter post and I'm having a hard time collecting them all into sentences.

It has been a busy, fun weekend. And I have an overwhelmed feeling of gratitude for all the spiritual blessings in my life. This has been a season of growth for me (and my husband too) and of a greater awareness of God's working among us.  Sometime soon I hope to be able to articulate it. But as for today, it seems the perfect time to mention briefly that the theme of New Life in Christ is so fresh and sweet to me. God is good. He has shown me the most amazing kindness. And I am swimming in an ocean of His lavish grace. Amen? Hallelujah! What a Savior.

We ended Easter Sunday by watching the last of The Bible series on History Channel. Perfect way to cap it off, I think. With a reminder of the Savior's love and His holy sacrifice for us, which fully satisfied the wrath of God toward sinners; conquering death, and hell, and sin.  Happy Resurrection Day. He is risen, just as He said!

That's what he said: engineer

E: Mom, what's an engineer?

me: It's someone who designs and makes things.

E: Oh, so God is an engineer then.

me: Yes, He sure is!

E: Yep, He's the BEST engineer because He made EVERYTHING!

Seeking first

I've done 11 shoots in under a week. 3 more coming up this week. And I still have a "day job" plus a family to look after when I'm not "working" (haha). Oh yes I'm loving it, to be sure. But you guys, I'm tiggity-iggered. I'm seeing signs of neglect in my home (that pile mountain of laundry. dirty bathroom, eww.) and I'm hearing complaints from my husband. I need to find balance in all this.

When this photography adventure began I thought I might be lucky to do one shoot a month, maybe two. But I'm busier than I ever dreamed. What I love about the whole situation is that I didn't force it. I didn't set out to pursue photography or drum up business. There was never a moment when I said "You know what, I think I'll be a photographer now". I just made myself available to whatever happened. I've given my best effort and now I'm having a blast! And I'm learning so much (the more you learn, the more you understand that you don't know anything!). The most wonderful part is that I'm seeing the Lord's hand in this. It's clear to me that I'm going the direction He wants me to go. I just need to work on being a better steward of my time.

For now I'll keep on doing my best, ingesting all things photography, and trying to balance my family and work. But you know what... "Seek ye FIRST the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things will be added unto you." So what I really need to pouring myself into is knowing, loving, obeying, and seeking after my Lord. Then whatever else comes my way, I know I trust Him for it.

That's what he said: Teeth, God, and Prayers

Discussing with Elijah the importance of brushing one's teeth:
E: "But Mom, maybe just not tonight?"
Me: "No Elijah, we all have to brush our teeth every day, and it will only take a minute."
E: "Everyone?"
Me: "Yes."
E: "Well, does God have to brush His teeth?"
Me: "No. God doesn't have teeth."
E: "WHAT? He doesn't?????" (scandalized!)
Me: "Nope, He doesn't have a body, so he doesn't have teeth. God is Spirit."
E: "Yeah! Like when I die, God will take my spirit away to Heaven. That's what Mrs. Godshall said."
Me: "Yes, you do have a spirit. And if you trust in Jesus that's the part of you that will live on in Heaven after your body dies."
E: "Yeah and if God doesn't need to brush His teeth then maybe I don't have to."

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During our morning drive to drop the boys at my Mom's house:
E: "Mom, will you pray for me?"
Me: "Sure honey." (we pray...)
E: "Amen.... um, but Mom?"
Me: "huh?"
E: "You forgot to pray for me to go to school."
Me: "Oh, ok." (we pray for him to have a good day at school, etc.)
E: "Amen! Yep. That ought'a get it!"

I'm afraid I'll jinx it if I say it out loud.

I almost don't even want to mention this, but it's searing a hole into my brain and if I don't get it out I'll go nutzo. By the way, I don't really believe in jinxes. (Is that the proper spelling?... jinxes or would jinx plural just be spelled jinx? anyway.)

You know that a few weeks ago I took some family photos for my friend Shelley [posted here and here]. I posted a few to face.book and got several people ask if I would do their family's too. Of course I agreed. So yesterday I took some for my friend Samantha. After posting some of my favorites to face.book again the response I got was crazy - wonderfully exciting, and slightly surprising! I have been asked by 5 more people to set up sessions in the near future! Plus, most of those people mentioned that they have other friends or family who are also interested! I know, right? I'm still shaking my head. I did not solicit this "business" or even really advertise the fact that I would/could do it. But somehow the word spread. And it's so much fun! I'm thrilled and astonished that anyone would wish to pay me for something I love to do.

I'm wondering if this is a "God thing", you know. The kind of providence that "happens" upon you. Or coincidence? But then, I don't believe in coincidence. Maybe just dumb luck? Nope, I don't do luck either. Well, shoot. That settles it. I guess I'll just pursue this photography thing and see where it leads. If nothing else, I will enjoy doing it. And maybe a few people will be blessed by the effort. I say, bring it on!

"Whatever you do work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for men, since you know that you will receive an inheritance from the Lord as your reward. It is the Lord Christ you are serving." ~Colossians 3:23-24

P.S. I've added a photography page link (up there on the top). Check it out!

Yesterday wasn't my favorite day.

I sat down and tried to come up with a clever way to write this post. But you know what. I'm sort of at a loss for words, so you'll excuse me if I just present you with the facts, right?

Over the weekend my Dad worked in the yard like always. There were branches from the storm to clear and burn, and the regular stuff too. But he pushed himself way too hard. He became dehydrated and overly exhausted. After three days of sweating too much and doing too much in the heat and humidity he apparently had a heat stroke. He started vomiting Monday morning and didn't stop for more than 2 days. He literally could keep nothing down during that time.

He went to see Dr. S. 1st thing Wednesday morning, had blood drawn, and was told to go home, drink water and rest. A couple of hours later the doctor called and said to come back immediately because the results from the blood tests looked bad. His tone was so urgent that they dropped what they were doing and went right away.

When he got there the doctor actually met him at the door and helped him sign in, whisked him straight up stairs and hooked him up to IV fluids and all sorts of monitors. Right away they could tell by the EKG that his heart was in distress. (Excess potassium from the dehydration leads to kidney failure, which causes heart problems.) So within minutes they had him in ICU and on a dialysis machine. The vomiting finally subsided then.

Apparently there is a window of opportunity to intervene in these cases and he must have barely squeaked in. (God's providence again!) The cause seems to be a combination of dehydration, heat stroke, the continual vomiting and diabetes.

After the initial 3-hour round of dialysis, they started him on a 24-hour round. Since that time the levels of potassium and lactic acid have decreased to a "normal" level, but still have a way to go. The main concern is the function of his kidneys. They were unsure if they would fail permanently or regain function after he recovers from this incident.

I went up to the hospital to see him this morning. He looks a little better now than he did yesterday. As of noon today he was starting to make some urine so that means the kidneys have begun to function. Praise the Lord!! He's in a lot of pain, feeling nausea, and still has blurred vision but that takes time to go away I guess. He'll continue in ICU for 2 weeks, then maybe a little longer in the hospital depending on how things go. After that he'll be off work at least another month or two.

The doctor and nurses have been wonderful at St. Mary's. He is being well cared for. My Mom said his endocrinologist never left his side throughout the ordeal. This morning he came and spoke with her and explained that judging from the test results he really didn't think Dad would make it to the hospital. He had fully expected to see him go into cardiac arrest.

Some people may attribute this to Dad's strength or stamina. But I know better... I know the ONE who sustains our every heartbeat. And it's obvious that nothing can thwart HIS plan. Ultimately He knows the number of our days and He alone is in control! So I'm going to just keep on trusting Him.

What else is there to do?

Please friends, continue to lift my family up in your prayers. It's going to be a long road.

But you were...

When I lay my tired self down in bed each night I literally smile and whisper a prayer of thanks. I am reminded every time of how blessed I am to have a warm (and now, very comfy) bed, safe house, precious children, loving husband, and God who provides all my needs.

Last night I was settling in and flipping through the stations on my ZÜne when I came upon a song I used to know. I don't know about you, but to me music evokes all sorts of emotions and memories. It's almost like stepping back in time if I play it loud enough. In my mind, chapters of my life are sorted and categorized like library books according to the music I was surrounded with at that time. {Please tell me I'm not the only one who thinks this way.?}

Anyway, the song on the radio had been popular during a time of my life I'd really rather forget. It was by far my worst season! I had been wandering far from the Lord, participating in all sorts ungodliness, and making hurtful decisions. It was full-on rebellion and I knew it. But I didn't care. As the Bible says; people love their darkness. Praise God, He rescued me and forgave me. But to be honest, sometimes the knowledge of that time still haunts me. I still wrestle with feelings of guilt and regret. What if I had only listened and obeyed?

Do you ever have those "ah-ha" moments? You know, the ones when you finally truly realize what you thought you'd known all along. That's what I had last night. After I listened to that song I thought about turning off the music in frustration, but I decided to try to get it out of my head. So I hit the "random" button and landed on, of course, KLove. The song was half-way through and I caught the lyrics in the middle of a phrase. But what I heard felt like a jolt of awakening to my soul. It certainly was sent to me in a moment of need.

And I don’t have to carry
The weight of who I’ve been
Cause I’m forgiven

My mistakes are running through my mind
And I’ll relive my days, in the middle of the night
When I struggle with my pain, wrestle with my pride
Sometimes I feel alone, and I cry

In this life
I know what I’ve been
But here in your arms
I know what I am

I'm forgiven.

The song is "Forgiven" by Sanctus Real.

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Which brought to mind one of my favorite passages which I come back to over and over again.

1 Corinthians 6:9-11

"Or do you not know that the unrighteous will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived; neither fornicators, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor effeminate, nor homosexuals, nor thieves, nor the covetous, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor swindlers, will inherit the kingdom of God. Such were some of you; but you were washed, but you were sanctified, but you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and in the Spirit of our God."

Can I get an AMEN?

God's provision by way of my husband's laziness.

Manny got hurt at work a couple of weeks ago. His wrist this time. I know, right? You're thinking "Again?! He's always getting hurt!" And you'd be correct. But this time he's covered under workman's comp, thank goodness! He's gone a few times to the doctor and they put him in a brace and gave him some steroid medicine.

I don't know what the medicine is supposed to do. But I can tell you what it is doing. It's making him a growly bear! He's awful to be around. I flat-out don't like him when he's taking this stuff. He's introverted, grumpy, rude, snaps at us for no reason, drowsy, dizzy, and just plain unpleasant. I think he took his last pill for this round of treatment last night. I'll be glad when its out of his system. And I'm sure if he feels as bad as he's acting, he hasn't enjoyed it either. I hope he recovers soon. Poor thing is stuck doing boring stuff at work, which he hates. He has a 5 pound weight limit. That means he can't really pick up Zeke or help me with much around the house either. Joy, joy. Count it all joy.

Also we came home yesterday afternoon to discover the upstairs toilet had been running all day. The bathroom floor was flooded and the water had come through the ceiling into the laundry room downstairs. Praise the Lord that nothing was damaged... that we know of... yet.

For once I'm thankful for my husband's laziness. He had left his towels on the bathroom floor after his shower, which is what kept the water from making it all the way over to the carpeted area. So that's what I'm dwelling on, in stead of being upset right now.

See? God's provision reaches me even in the midst of my husband's messiness. He's good to me and I know it!

So He'll take care of Manny's wrist, and the house, and my frazzled nerves. He always does. :)

A Decision

I've been thinking and praying about doing something that may seem silly to some people. But to me, I feel like God wants me to make this change in order to strengthen my family, grow my relationship with Him, and weed out some of the unnecessary clutter from my life.

Spring is a good time to de-clutter, don't you think? I take satisfaction in going through closets and drawers, throwing out things that weigh me down mentally and emotionally. It's just refreshing to sweep away the cobwebs every now and again. And this is part of my spiritual Spring-cleaning.

So, starting May 1st I'm saying goodbye to Face6ook for the Summer. (maybe even after that) I feel really good about the decision. I already have a sense of greater freedom and emotional lightness.

I look forward to spending more quality time with my guys, keeping house, cooking meals, having play-dates, enjoying the fresh air, spending time in God's Word, and focusing on what really matters to me this Summer.

Resolving

It's about that time again. The time when we take personal inventory, reflect upon where we are, and set goals for the coming months. I don't think I actually articulated a "New Years Resolution" last year. But I kept notes in my journal of things I wished to accomplish. I'll admit I didn't come very far with the list. However, the Lord led me through some incredibly deep valleys by the hand and taught me a few unexpected lessons. So the detour was perhaps worth it. I will mention, though, a couple of pretty big accomplishments.

1. NATURAL CHILDBIRTH! Um, hellooooooo. Need I go any farther? Because that was a monumental feat in and of itself. Am I right, ladies?
   
2. I lost 15 pounds. (from pre-pregnancy) Still 15 more to go. But we're on the way.
3. I think I've allowed myself to become more teachable. I've learned some things about true contentment in Christ and how fleeting the things of this world are.
4. My husband found employment. (Yes, I know this wasn't my accomplishment, but it greatly effects me and was on my "2010 to do list" so I'll count it.)
   

I want to set goals this year that I can continually progress in, not just in 2011. I want my loved ones to see a marked difference in me in these areas. And I feel like these are things God truly calls me to change. I know they seem sort of lofty, but you have to start somewhere. So here are my 2011 resolutions.

1. To worship the Lord Jesus with a pure heart, giving Him the firstfruits of my time and my treasure.
2. To serve my husband with Christlike love and kindness.
3. To nurture my children with gentleness, Godly wisdom, energy, creativity, and selflessness every hour of the day.
4. To be a better friend and make a new one.
5. To be the kind of person that I pray for my boys to become. (Godly, wise, generous, kind...)

May the Lord honor these and help me accomplish them.

Do you have a purpose?

I ATTEND A LADIES Bible study at church every Thursday morning. We are working through a book called Calm My Anxious Heart: A Woman's Guide to Finding Contentment, by Linda Dillow. And I love it! (You should read it too!) Each week I walk away so encouraged, convicted, and motivated to grow in my God-given roles as wife and mother. It's so good. It just makes me want to do better, to know better, to be better. Have I mentioned that I love it?

So.

This week's study was all about identifying your purpose. Not in a hokey way, like "what's the meaning of life?" or anything. But in a down-to-earth way like evaluating what we want our lives to look like in God's eyes, how we make changes to get there, and such.

Part of the homework included a little self-evaluation and deep thinking. She asked us to decide upon and write a mission statement, or purpose statement for this chapter in our lives. (Because as we grow our statements should evolve.)

This was really challenging for me. Partly because I'm not very good at self-evaluation. Partially because it required quite a bit of uninterrupted thinking time (which I rarely get). It's just that there are so many areas where I know I need to grow, it's near impossible to put my finger on one particular point, or set of scripture, or character trait. But I prayed for revelation and the Lord answered. I've come to understand that its ok for [God in] us to work on one or two things at a time. We aren't required to write out a list of every single issue and fix them all at once. How overwhelming and discouraging would that be? It's just one day at a time. And for me, more like one hour at a time. Praise God for progressive sanctification. Amen? and amen.

I've made the point for a while now of trying to really and truly appreciate and enjoy every day I've been given with my little guys. Some days are difficult with juggling work, home, and family responsibilities. Sometimes I get overloaded and feel like I need a break. But even when I want to pull my hair out, Elijah is being disobedient, or the baby is fussy I try to stop and remind myself how quickly they grow up.

This season in our lives will pass by so quickly. I don't want to wish it away or fly through it in a fog of busyness. I want to slow down enough to spend quality time with them. I want to hold my babies close, smell their hair, kiss their faces, engage with their every-day moments, play trains and work puzzles, make living room tents, hold hands as we walk, teach them about Jesus, sing silly songs, share peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, and snuggle them for as long as they'll possibly let me. I count it my honor to be raising these two boys.

Mothering doesn't happen by accident. Nurturing little lives takes hard work and long hours. It's an exhausting job, but is filled with some of the greatest rewards this life can offer. That is why the purpose statement for this hour of my life revolves heavily around my family. It's where God has placed me right now. I want to make it my aim to improve upon my role as mother... living each day intentionally. To love intentionally. To teach intentionally. To discipline intentionally. To feed, clothe, bathe, encourage, and laugh with intentionally. And above all, to honor God in it. It's a tall order really. But I know the source of my strength, and thankfully it's not all up to me.

So, what's your purpose? Or had it even occurred to you that you have one? Well, I can tell you, you do!

On changing perspective

I was thinking last night that I'd like to get back to writing about interesting lighthearted things that people like to read. You know, like back in the good old days, before I had an unemployed husband, a sick dad, a baby on the way, and a to-do list 15 miles long. Back when my only problems were... oh wait. I've always had problems, haven't I? Thinking about it now... 2 years ago we owned two houses, paid two mortgages and two sets of utilities, I worked 50+ hours per week, commuted over an hour a day, barely saw my baby boy, had an unemployed husband, lived 3.5 hours from my family, and had one of the most stressful jobs in the world. (No, seriously. It is on the top 10 most stressful jobs list. Just behind air-traffic controller.) So I guess things are just about the same as they've always been for me.

So when exactly does life get easier? Because it seems like I've always been waiting for that next thing that would make things different. Like in younger years I waited to find my husband. Then I waited for the wedding. Then I waited to graduate from college. (Yes, in that order!!) Then waited for a good job. Then to buy a house. Then have a baby... waited a LONG time for that one! 8 years. Then sell a house. Then move closer to family. Then get out of debt (still working on that). Then for my husband to find a "real" job. Or really just any job - I'm not picky. Then the birth of the new baby. Elijah's birthday. Manny's family to come visit. Then, then, then...

I feel like my sister. Her entire existence is consumed with planing for the next major event... right now it's her senior trip, then graduation, then summer time, then her family reunion, then vacation to the beach, then fall festival, Halloween, thanksgiving, her birthday, Christmas, etc. etc. Don't we all do the same thing in our own way though?

I guess it all comes down to making the choice to be content no matter where you are in life. If you're always waiting for the next best thing you'll never be thankful for where you are now. And truthfully when I try to be thankful for where I am now I find it very hard. Nobody wants to walk a difficult road -- to see a loved one suffer terrible pain, to wonder where the finances will come from to pay the next bill.

So each time I find myself doubting, being anxious, or grieving for myself, I have to purposely redirect my thoughts. I have to "preach" to myself that my ways are not HIS ways. My thoughts are not HIS thoughts. And what I want to happen may not be God's will. In stead I must see that all we have is mercy. Every day we are given is purely mercy. Every trial and blessing are gifts and opportunities to grow. His mercy is new every morning and great is His faithfulness.

I've been meditating on something recently which has really helped my perspective. 3 truths about God that I believe with all my heart yet must daily remind myself of.

- God is ALL powerful and sovereign. He controls everything. Every single thing. He is fully capable of moving mountains and healing every wound, but sometimes He does not. In His infinite wisdom sometimes He allows pain because only He knows the master plan.

- But despite the way things appear in my limited vision I have come to believe that God is good. Always, always, always good. And not just good in a general sense. But good to me. And works good for me. And wants the best in my life.

And though those first two things are plenty. He would never need to add to them, but He has. So not only is He totally in control and totally good, but all that has to become personal.

- Because I know God loves me. All the sovereignty in the universe would be worthless and all the goodness one could imagine would never mean anything unless God loved me. And when you put all 3 of those things together I can rest. And my heart can be at peace because I am His. I know that the all-powerful, perfectly good, God of the universe also loves me. And that means that nothing that ever happens to me is outside the filter of His love for me. The same goes for my family, and anyone else who are His. What a comfort.

Now, if I could only learn change my perspective to walk in that all the time.

thankfulness as a cure for the blues

I believe it is common knowledge that when you are feeling down and sorry for yourself, you should focus on the blessings in your life. And so, since I've hit a pretty rough patch lately, I know what I need to do. It's all about turning your attention God-ward rather than self-ward. (And that's a hard thing to do at times!) So, as an act of the will, today I bring you what I am thankful for...

1. feeling my baby kick and move
2. the month of March - finally having hope for SPRINGTIME warmth!
3. having time away with my husband over the weekend
4. that Elijah says "Mommy, please sing to me just a little bit more."
5. good Godly friends who encourage and pray for me when I need it
6. hugs and kisses from my two best guys!
7. hearing Elijah play by himself and talk to his cars, trains, animals, blocks, etc.
8. the smell of Johnson's baby shampoo
9. sticky little hand prints on every surface of my home
10. the pitter-patter of little feet scampering around the house
11. saying goodnight prayers with my sweet sweet son
12. that my husband had my oil changed for me
13. when Elijah says "Oh yeah, that will be perfecto!"
14. that I have a job (this is no small thing)
15. Dr. Pepper

I'm leaving off all the spiritual stuff because writing all that down would take all day and I'd still never cover it all. Suffice it to say that I am blessed "with every spiritual blessing in the heavenly places in Christ". (Eph. 1: 3)

Over and out.

Through the Storm

I am feeling overwhelmingly discouraged by this situation.

You know, the one where Manny doesn't have a job. Being out of work is one thing, but having a little one on the way too... it's so much to handle right now. Money was very tight even when he was working, so I don't know what we're going to do in the coming weeks/months. I do believe that the Lord will provide though.

My main concern is Manny's lack of motivation. I don't know if he's just discouraged too, or what. But the past weeks (months, even) he's been staying up VERY late playing a stupid online computer game (like 3:30 am, late!) then he wants to sleep all day and not be out there looking for work.

You can imagine how frustrating it is for me. I'm home, up early, working around the house, caring for Elijah, etc. He's upstairs sleeping the day away. All the while I'm thinking of a million things he needs to be doing. And I'm also thinking that if he's not out working at least he can help with dishes (or laundry, or sweeping, or mopping, or or OR...) So yeah, I'm having a hard time with this. I'm sure he is too, but he absolutely shuts me out when I ask to discuss it. And he basically rejects any help I might offer in looking for jobs online, etc.

It's just so much to process. I'm trying to take one thing at a time. I'm asking the Lord to give me a little extra time to spend with Him because I really do need to sort through things. My desire is to be pleasing to Him through the "storm" and to allow Him to work in my heart on a deeper level. My challenge in this is to submit to the Lord in that I do not say unkind things or nag my husband. I'm making a conscious effort to encourage and help, rather than try to push him. It is so hard for me because I am thinking about all the things he needs to do and feel like if I don't say something he'll just keep sitting on his butt all the time. It's so hard for me to just trust God to handle Manny's heart in the situation. I so badly long to see my husband take up his role as leader of our home - spiritually and otherwise. It's something I've/we've never had. Perhaps God will chose to use this situation to make that happen...

And Manny really does need prayer for motivation, wisdom, and help finding a job. Plus, this has put a huge strain on our marriage (things were already on the fritz). It's hard to communicate w/someone who shuts you out. I met by myself with our pastor and associate pastor about a month ago because things had gotten so bad. There has been very little improvement, but it seems to go in cycles. One thing he said that really pinpointed things was that apathy is one of the hardest issues to break through. And that's exactly what it is. Manny doesn't seem to care most of the time about the state of our home, or marriage, or making things better.

I was expressing some of these concerns to a friend recently and she e-mailed me this encouragement/challenge in response...

"I think the thing to remember in this is, that you can be pleasing to God in your situation. Romans 8:28,29 says that God works for good in ALL things---not in some things. So can you look at this situation and trust that God has good in store for you thru this? It might not be "good" the same way you would define it, but you can be pleasing to God and be teachable where you are. I think for you, you need to first be serious with God about that. Examine your heart.

[The pastor] is probably right...apathy is hard to break, but there's always hope in Christ. ALWAYS. Manny can change and grow. Things might get tougher for you... if he's not motivated, financially things might be stressful and hard. But that's not to say God isn't going to provide for you. Or God isn't going to use this trial to break your husband and change him.

You know Sarah, every time you respond correctly---you submit to Manny when you want to nag... you encourage him in his walk or about HIM (something you are thankful for about him--even the smallest thing that you notice) when you want to smack him.... God is glorified. God's Word promises that when you do right, you will be blessed. It would be AWESOME if you could walk thru this trial and come out closer to your husband in the process... but it would be awesome if you found a new intimacy with the Lord thru this. I'll be praying specifically for Manny's attitude and motivation.

I know [my husband] really struggled with discouragement when he was out of work. It's hard when you are mad at them (and pregnant), but sometimes physical intimacy is an encouragement to them... because it says that you still desire them when they feel "unmanly" for being unable to provide. Maybe even just seeing how hard you are working is discouraging to him. Regardless of his sinful response, you have to just continue to trust that God cares more about Manny than you do. More about Manny doing right and pleasing Him then you do. And you can trust God to discipline him. But I'll just also be praying for you. Daily."

What a blessing to have godly encouraging friend! I am thankful for that.

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On a positive note, we'll be attending a couple's retreat with our church this weekend at Barkley Lake. We leave this afternoon. I'm very much looking forward to getting away together, being around some good fellowship, and being encouraged by the teaching. My hope is that this will make a difference for us and hopefully turn things around for the better.

Happy weekend everyone!

p.s. My baby boy is 21 weeks old now!! He's making me hungry all day and all night.

"Something is rotten in the state of Denmark"

There is something I've been wanting to talk about for a while. It's probably going to offend someone, but I'm kind of tired of keeping my personal thoughts out of my blog for the sake of drama. In fact, here's the thing, it's not even an offensive topic. It's just that I don't really know who reads my blog.... Pssstttt.... Lurkers, you know who you are!!!
And since I don't, I will assume everyone does. So, family members who read this (if there are any) I'm sorry if you think I'm putting my nose in where it doesn't belong. And... here goes.

There is someone I care about a great deal who is hurting and being wronged in a most terrible way. Their spouse of a good number of years (but the length of time really doesn't matter at all) has decided to leave. And despite council to both spouses that this is possibly the worst decision he/she could make, it has made absolutely no difference. In fact, once the announcement was made to the spouse, the decision was already so made - so set in stone - that no amount of compromise, wooing, or reasoning could be done to change it. The very best effort was made on the part of the one being left to save the marriage. But to no avail.

What of the two young children? What of the home and life they have built together? To an outsider like myself it seems as if his/her heart has hardened completely toward this one to whom they pledged to love and be faithful until death did them part. I was at the wedding. I personally witnessed these promises.

Why is it that marriage vows are taken so lightly these days? Does the phrase "I promise before God and these witnesses" mean nothing? It's just so hurtful and mind-boggling. But yet I know it happens in what seem to be the most loving of homes. I hate it! I really really do. I am heart-broken for the spouse who is left grieving and fighting for their family. I can see the defeat in the sad expressions and tired eyes. I want so badly to help, or offer some encouraging words. But I don't really know what to say. More than that, I want to deliver a swift kick in the pants and knock some sense into the one who wants to leave.

Here's where I'm fixin' to get preachy. Skip it if you want. I won't get mad.

Sure there are excuses. Selfish attempts to justify a wrong and life-altering bad decision. Oh, I wasn't appreciated, I need to "find myself", or I deserve to be happy.

But you know what? - No. No, you do not deserve happiness. We all deserve the ugliness and consequences of our bad choices. We were never promised happiness outside of the goodness of the Lord. Any good thing in this life only comes as a GIFT of grace from Him. We are not entitled. Who do we think we are anyway? Sinful, disobedient creatures - living opposed to God's plan - are in no way entitled to anything but sorrow. But this backward world we live in would have us believe we must put ourselves first. That we must seek our own happiness and comfort above all, and if we aren't being fulfilled we are free to look elsewhere. What about sacrifice? Selflessness? Honoring our covenants above our whims?

The fact is that what the world offers will never and can never lead to true happiness. You follow your own way, you go seeking to "find yourself", what you'll really find is grief. We live in a culture where most of us have become so self-centered that we forget the bigger picture.

IT'S NOT ALL ABOUT YOU! (or me.) It's not about what I can get from a relationship. Come on, people!

[::steps down off soap box::]

I just think this whole thing stinks. It's wrong. And I hate it. And it really really stinks.

Papa's got a brand new bag!

After several months (like, 6) without a paycheck, my husband has acquired a brand spanking new job! Praise the Lord for this because I really didn't think I could have gone much longer the way things were. It truly is a gift the way the whole thing worked out - from the referral by a family member, to the amazing favor he found with the interviewers, to the miraculous last-second opening of a position that would suit him perfectly, to the timing, the job hours, etc. - it's obvious God has provided for us in this. I am so grateful! (Plus, he'll finally have benefits!!!)

There are two down-sides: not the best pay in the world, and not much time for the two of us to spend together. However, I an seriously not looking at the down-sides. He'll be working second shift (4-12) after he's finished with training. I like this fact because a) he will have daytimes at home to spend with Elijah and new baby on the days I work, b) on the days I'm off we can have some family time, c) when the new baby comes it will relieve my Mom of childcare duty, and d) he's a late-nighter anyway (like stays up past 2 a.m. most nights).

What it means schedule-wise come July will be this... He'll work 4 pm - midnight, come home, sleep until I leave for work at 7:30, take care of the boys until he leaves for work around 3 pm, drop them off at my Mom's, then she'll have them from 3 - 5:30 when I get off work, I'll have them both from 5:30 until bedtime. There you go, easy peasy. And that's just 2.5 days a week. Otherwise I'll be home all day so he can sleep in and we can spend time doing things as a family. I like it.

He may not like all the added responsibility of being a main caregiver again, but tough cookies mister. Over all I think this is going to be good. I'll keep you posted. He starts this Thursday.

A Child's Perspective

Last night I picked up my son after work and headed over to Grandma Jost's house for a family dinner. Grandma & Grandpa are known to their great-grandchildren as GG and P-paw. As I strapped him in I was explaining that we were going over to see GG and P-paw and all his cousins. His eyes lit up and this how the conversation went.

Elijah: Elijah want to see GG and P-paw!
Me: yes, you sure will.
Elijah: Elijah see Mary Jane.
Me: oh honey...
Elijah: Mary Jane live at GG and P-paw's house.
Me: sweetie. Mary Jane doesn't live at GG and P-paw's house any more.
Elijah: Mary Jane? [confused pause]
Me: She went to live with Jesus in Heaven.
Elijah: Heaven?
Me: Yes. She is very very happy in Heaven with Jesus.
Elijah: Mary Jane with Jesus now.
Me: yes honey.
Elijah: Mary Jane feel better now.
Me: yes. she's very happy and feels good now.
Elijah: Mary Jane no take more memicine now?
Me: nope. She's all better now. Jesus made her all better in Heaven. Isn't that wonderful?
Elijah: Mary Jane not sleeping at GG's house?
Me: No. She went to live with Jesus now, remember? In Heaven.
Elijah: Yeah! In a beginning God key-ated Heaven 'n uth.
Me: That's exactly right! You're so smart honey.
Elijah: I love play cars at GG's house!

Here are Michael and Mary Jane at my cousin Jamie's wedding last Fall.

Hard Times

My paternal grandparents got married in 1952. They are "good Catholics" so they reproduced prolifically. In 1953 their first child was born: my dad. Their children came one right after another, after another, for 8 years. Then they took a five year break and had one more. I mention this to set the stage. Sometimes when I talk about my relatives it gets confusing. So...

Here's the line-up.

1953 - Danny (my dad)
1954 - Marcia
1956 - Lauralee
1957 - David
1958 - Julie
1961 - Scott
1961 - Michael
1966 - Jeff

Recently our clan has been undergoing some hard times though.

The second-born, Marcia, has a son named Ryan who was diagnosed with a brain tumor a few months ago. After a successful surgery, 95% of the tumor has been removed and he is recovering well. For the past 2 months the family held a raffle for "Team Ryan" in order to help with medical expenses. Yesterday was the big drawing and final money count. Amazingly, $25,210.10 was raised!! A wonderful show of support for his cause!

Then, the seventh-born, Michael's, long time partner Mary Jane has been battling cancer for several years. It started as breast cancer in 2007, which she beat, and was in remission for nearly 2 years. But then this August a series of events led to the discovery of a much more aggressive form of cancer in the brain and spinal column. She underwent treatment in Indianapolis (where they live) for almost 2 months, but in stead of effectively killing the cancer, it only spread further. 3 weeks ago, Mary Jane's condition started to rapidly decline. She quickly lost the use of her legs and one of her arms.

Last weekend my Mom and 2 of my aunts went up to visit her in the hospital. My mom had a rare opportunity to spend some time alone with her to share the Gospel and walk her through some Scripture. She was genuinely receptive to what Mom shared with her and promised to think seriously about it. That very night another lady (a friend of our pastor) felt a sense of urgency to go see Mary Jane as soon as possible. So the next morning she went over and shared with her again. This time she was ready. The lady prayed with her and led her to the Lord. We are so very thankful that both of them had the chance to talk with her.

That Monday, one week ago, Mary Jane was accepted as a Hospice patient (because no further treatment could be given) and transported down here to Evansville to spend her final days at my Grandparents' home. We were able to visit with her daily and my Mom tried every time she had the chance to pray with her and read Scripture to her.

Thursday evening my cousin Amy and I played hostess to all the brothers and sisters and their spouses. They all came to Grandma's house for an early Thanksgiving dinner in honor of Mary Jane. Even though she couldn't join them at the table, she scarfed up the yummy food and enjoyed the company in her room. She was awake and alert, although not quite herself due to the heavy medication. We got to visit and tell her all about how pretty the table was set, and what was going on out in the other room.

Friday I went to visit her around lunch time. She was totally awake, making eye contact, and responsive. I brought over some pictures of her cats, which she cherished. She held them to her chest and kept saying how much she loved them.

Elijah also colored her a picture and when I asked what he wanted me to write he said "I love you Mary Jane. And I love dump trucks." So, that's what I wrote. He walks in her room, goes right up to her bed, and says "Hiiiii Mary Jane!" It is so sweet to see the unconditional love of a child.

Last night after a family gathering we went over to see how she was doing. Not well. Her respiration and 02 levels had gone way down, her blood pressure was falling, she had a rattle in her chest, she would not eat or drink, and she was not producing any more urine. Plus she had been virtually unconscious for 2 days. (since just after I saw her on Friday.) We sat with her for a while, talking about Heaven, and filling her in on the day's events. She seemed to hear us because she would move her hand or turn her head slightly in our direction. As we were with her I got a strong sense that she wouldn't be with us much longer.

Mom called at 2:30 this morning. She was over at Grandma's and it didn't look like Mary Jane would make it through the night. She requested I bring over a CD of worship music. So Manny did. I had burned her a CD of all the songs in my collection about Heaven. I really hope that somehow the music was able to minister to her. Maybe, even though, she was unconscious, she was able to hear it on some level. Shortly after that her breathing became very labored and her body began to shut down.

Then this morning at 6:40 am Mary Jane went to be with Jesus. She won her battle with cancer and is now pain-free celebrating in the presence of her Savior! What a glorious thought! And so today we don't mourn for her, we mourn for us. She has finally been made perfect. I cannot even make my mind comprehend that. I am very glad I got to tell her goodbye last night. And I know I'll see her again someday. It is a bitter-sweet day for our family.

09:09 09/09/09

Wow, you'd think something magical would happen today because of all the nines. But alas, it's just a regular Wednesday.

I remember 09/09/99 -- less than a month after Manny and I had gotten married. It was a gorgeous day, much like today. I had a little time between classes at USI and I was laying on a bench in a courtyard soaking up some sun. I got to thinking about an article I had read in a Christian magazine by a fairly well-known apologist. He was discussing the great likelihood of the return of Christ on that very day. I can't even recall the details any more. But I never believed it. And while I wholeheartedly believe that someday... maybe very soon... Christ will literally return, I never thought it would be then. Admittedly though, I did feel just a slight twinge of hope as I lay there looking into the bright blue sky that day.

I didn't believe it for two main reasons: Jesus said we could not know the day or hour of his return. So attempting to pinpoint it would be counterproductive and futile. And because I seriously doubt that God keeps to our calendar.

Where am I going with this?
Hang on, you'll see.

So, what of that well-known apologist?

Well, I suppose he's pretty embarrassed for one thing. But for another, he never made any out-right promises, only guesses. I think he was just hopeful, like I am some days. There are days when I've had enough of life and I pray, 'Lord, if you would go ahead and rapture me on outta' here today, that would be just awesome! But if not, that's okay too.'

Interestingly, there have been so many times when other men with large audiences have made predictions (on all sorts of topics) which have never come true. In many cases sadly, leading others into false doctrine and dire eternal consequences. I've been reading a lot about one such man recently.

So, how do we know a false prophet then? You would think that might be a pretty tough question to answer, wouldn't you? But no. It's one of the easier questions out there.

You know a prophet is false if his prophecies don't come true. Duh, right? It seems so simple and straight-forward. But would you believe that there are MILLIONS of people out there today who buy in to the lies of false prophets!? Its unconscionable! Its infuriating! But mostly its just very very sad.

What a challenge, then, to know the truth so that you can discern the lies. People, we need to study God's Word for ourselves... learn it... trust it... believe it... so that we can use it as the standard by which to know if someone is trying to lead us astray!

ahem.

[steps down off soap box]

Just what that had to do with 09/09/09 I'm not sure. Other than the fact that when I see 09/09/19 appear on the calendar ten years from now, I would pray and hope that I would be more firmly grounded in The Word, always building on the principles of the Gospel, and growing daily. That sounds like a good ten-year-plan, don't you think?

Ok, now get going!

If it's not one thing...

IT'S ANOTHER!

I think there are times in life when lots and lots of bad news hits you all at once. I'm fixin' to unload some heavy stuff here. Be warned.

My Mom's brother-in-law (her sister's husband) passed away this morning. He had been diagnosed earlier this summer with terminal liver cancer. The family kind of expected this, but not so soon. We do not think he was a believer, so it is more sad.

My uncle's (my dad's brother) fiancee was diagnosed with very aggressive cancerous brain tumors earlier this week. From what they said, it so severe that she was released from the hospital so she could be more comfortable at home. She is quite young, also not a believer, and does not have much time. Very very sad.

Kristen 's 6-month-old baby Cate was diagnosed with Long QT Syndrome this week (a heart condition). But that's not the most heart-breaking part... her young teenage brother, JD has had cancer in his brain. But they found out this week that it has also gone to the spinal column. This family needs our prayers. So please friends, please lift them up.

Times like this I find it difficult to understand God's ways. I know He is always in perfect control over ALL things. He will never leave or forsake His own. But it's so hard to see it through the storms.

Today I am grateful... no that word would never suffice... I am so far beyond grateful for the health of my family, especially my little boy. The Lord has been exceedingly gracious to us in that. He sustains us, each breath and heartbeat. Amazing, amazing grace indeed.