Monday, June 28, 2010

regarding my son

For twenty-something months I had a ritual with my beloved little son. Each night after getting all fresh and sweet smelling in his bath, putting on his cuddly pjs, brushing his teeth, and turning out the lamp, we'd rock - and rock - and rock in his room. And I'd sing him lullabies - any that came to mind. Sometimes the traditional ones like Twinkle Twinkle and Hush Little Baby. But sometimes random, off-the-wall numbers like "I can't make you love me" by Bonnie Raitt, "And so it Goes" by Billy Joel or "Edelwiess" from The Sound of Music. Over time we both came to prefer the not so traditional songs.

So we had our evening repertoire. Rocking and singing and snuggling my baby in my arms until I was good and ready to lay him down for the night. Then 6 months ago came his big boy bed. And for a little while we tried to keep up with our routine. But he loved his bed so much he began asking if I would just lay him down and tuck him in.

You guys, I'll be honest with you. I think back on all those nights - month after month- that I've had with my precious little treasure all to myself and I want that time back so bad. It just slipped away so quickly it makes my heart ache to think about it. The snuggly little babe has transformed into a walking, talking, climbing, joke telling, rhyming, creative, crazy smart little bundle of 100% boy. I can no longer hold all of his long legs in my lap. I can no longer nuzzle him to my chest while I sing him to sleep. I miss those things so much.

And at the same time I adore who he's becoming. He's so independent and bright. So much his own person, very much with his own ideas. He's the hardest playing and a most industrious little guy I've ever met. What a life-lover we have! He hits the ground running every morning when the sun comes up and doesn't stop until we force him to climb into bed at the end of each day. Joy just exudes from every inch of him. I love that at this stage in his life he's started to call me Momma again in stead of Mommy. He's so compassionate and kind (things I have prayed for him since he was born), always concerned about how others are feeling and eager to give comfort. He's observant, and sensitive, and funny, and complementary - tells me every day that I look beautiful and he likes what I'm wearing. (I have no idea why he started doing this.)

And did I mention smart? Holy moly you guys. I am really going to have to work at challenging him. He knows how to spell his 1st and middle names, counts to at least 20, knows his ABC's, lots of Bible verses and nursery rhymes, all his colors and shapes, our address and my mom's address, recognizes and identifies all the letters in his name, knows how to totally work the TV and DVD player, can draw circles (which is hard for kids), mimic the pitch of practically anything and play then exactly on his little piano, and all kinds of other advanced skills - like making coffee. Just the other day in fact he asked my mom at the dinner table what her e-mail address is.

I am so thankful for the wonderful gift and challenge God has given me in being his Momma.

When I think about how things are going to change in his life in the near future it just breaks my heart. His little world is about to get rocked. He loves the idea of having his little brother. He's showing so much enthusiasm for all the fun things they will one day do together. But he has no idea what's about to happen. I know that I cannot possibly be all the things to him I've been up until now. There is no way I'll have as much energy to go around. I am feeling very guilty about how much of his Momma my sweet son will be missing. I'm trying to soak up every second I have with him now. I just want to fill all his moments with as much love as I can pour out. I want to tell him how much he means to me a hundred times a day.

So the past few nights as I tuck him into bed I've been spending a little extra time cuddling with him and telling him as many stories about tractors, trains, bulldozers, or Curious George that he wants. Last night he asked me to hold him in the rocking chair and sing him some lullabies. I was so happy to oblige that I nearly forgot how with this big pregnant belly there's no lap left for him. We wiggled our way into a comfy spot though, and rocked until he was ready to lay down. Then after he got his blankets just the way he likes them he reached his little arms up, wrapped them around my neck, pulled my face down and kissed me square on the lips. He said "I love you with all my heart, Momma. Will you sing Edelwiss to me one more time?" Of course I did and this time he sang along - perfectly in tune. It was one of those moments you wish you could snatch up, put in a bottle, and keep forever.

Oh, and did I tell you he's full of surprises? Well of course! This morning I got out of the shower to discover the following scene...

Nekkid as the day he was born all sprawled out on his super soft blankie on the floor of his room. I asked what he was doing and he said "Oh, just relaxing on this softest blankie and waiting for you." He had taken all his clothes off to go potty by himself -thank you very much - then decided he would rather not get dressed after all. This kid just makes me smile!

p.s. Check out the tan line on that little bum! How cute is that?

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