Monday, January 4, 2010

On Feeling Discouraged

I've been feeling kinda down about the baby.

Early baby blues? Maybe.
I just feel like I'm lacking support and everywhere I turn I get negativity. Okay, not everywhere. But let me exaggerate if I want to - I'm pregnant here!

I'm actually having a really hard time with this pregnancy. True, I had been feeling terribly sick most of the time up until 3 days ago. But that's not really it. I just don't feel like I have any emotional support, including from Manny. Sure he's said a few things about the baby here and there. But he doesn't seem happy happy like he was about Elijah. The same goes for my parents and grandparents. It's so strange.

I remember with Elijah my mom would call me every day and talk about baby this and baby that. Asking how I felt and all the rest. But this time it's like everyone is ignoring it. Except my sister Ragon. She's the only person who seems genuinely excited. I want to be happy myself, but I feel pretty isolated. It makes me very sad. Anyway, I try not to think about it too much or I'll cry.

I'm still not sure if my mom is really happy or not. She's so hard to read. She never mentions the baby or pregnancy unless Ragon says something first like "Sarah, when the baby is born can I help feed him?" Or every once in a while we'll be talking about practical stuff like getting Elijah set up in his big boy bed or figuring out about car seats or work schedules or something. But even then she's more about the practical aspect of it. She has never once said anything about being happy for us or that she looks forward to the baby or anything. In fact, I mentioned a few weeks ago that after my last doctor appointment Manny had said he was starting to get excited about the baby now that he knows one is in there (because he saw the ultrasound. Boys! Why are they so difficult?).

So then mom goes "Well wasn't he happy before?" and I said yes, he was. But it's not the same, you know, for guys. Then she goes "Well, I just assumed you guys did this on purpose."

And I said, "Yes we did. But but he's a guy and they don't really get it this early on like we do." (ie: morning sickness) But she said "did this". Like it was a mistake. That was the tone of her voice, is all I'm saying. And this is what I get all the time. It's hurtful.

Can somebody please be happy with me? Can anyone tell me that I'll be deliriously happy, get plenty of sleep, can totally handle "what I'm getting myself into", and that the inevitable life changes that will take place will be for the better??


Hello? Is this thing on?

P.S. I'm really wanting some good Chinese food right now.

P.P.S. I LOVE love love love Claussen kosher dill pickles (the refrigerator kind)! Oh man I could eat those all day and all night.

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