neighborly

DEAR NEIGHBOR THREE HOUSES DOWN:

Insomuch as I would like to continue to live peacefully in this neighborhood, maintaining mutual respect for one another's privacy and personal space, I would like to bring to your attention several items of immediate importance:

1) While it should have happened sooner, the mullet hairstyle really went from being a fashion statement to a fashion faux pas in or around the year 1990. Please make a note of it.

2) Although I understand that the temperature outdoors reached a whopping 81 degrees yesterday, and for some red-blooded men, such as yourself, this might be an unbearable heat-wave, I might suggest that you refrain from removing your shirt unless it becomes altogether necessary (such as, in the unfortunate event that you would catch fire).

3) Given your aforementioned shirt-removal tendencies, when performing tasks outside your home, perhaps a belt of some kind might be in order to prevent any further exposure of your stark white buttocks to both the sun and my own eyes. This is a nice way of saying 'good heavens, pull your cut-off jean shorts up to cover your butt crack, for crying out loud!'.
I say this for your own good, truly. After all, have you seen what happens to skin that white when exposed to ultraviolet rays?

I can appreciate your right to behave as you please while in the confines of your own home, I would so very much like to be able to enter my own backyard without fear that my retinas would become scorched.

And so, I respectfully submit these demands requests. Furthermore, if I so much as see you fishing in our lake without your shirt again, I will run over there with scissors and cut off your mullet ponytail. You think I'm kidding? Just try me.

Signed,

Mrs. G