There are times when I feel truly embarrassed about trying to learn and do photography. Right. I'm nuts because that's a ridiculous way to feel. I guess its because I know how far I need to come. And I'm completely aware of where I would like to improve. At least I'm under no false pretense that I'm some sort of professional or anything. I don't know why I feel that by my mentioning my pursuit of a dream should make me want to offer some sort of apology about it. As if my doing so is offensive to anyone at all. Is it?
Goodness sakes. I'm such a dork. This is how I always felt about speaking Spanish too. There was always someone who knew more, could trill the r just a little bit better, had a more authentic accent (but mine was pretty nice), or what-have-you. And no matter how fluent I became, or how fast I could congugate a verb, or figure out the blessed subjunctive tense (I loathe it) I never felt confident. I was always thinking about that one person who probably would know exactly when I would make a mistake. Who would be thinking to herself how much better she was than me. And the mere thought of being not quite perfect made me shy away from my passion for the language. When what I should have done was admit to myself that I was gifted in that area, try to grow as much as possible, and be thankful for the abilities I have. But oh no, I had to always be comparing myself to the rest. When will I ever learn?
I think I need to do a little getting over it, and quick. I can't go through life always sizing myself up against everyone else. I need to follow my path regardless of what I think anyone else thinks about it. And if truth be told, I bet no one else even has an opinion this way or that. I need to stop feeling so self-conscious and relax. I need to be happy with what opportunities I've been given and make the most of them. I need to stop putting so much pressure on myself to be perfect. Stop being internally critical. I'm giving myself a headache. I think I've been grinding my teeth at night too.
I mean, for crying out loud. I did two shoots today and both people were very happy with their photos. And it's all about meeting those expectations. Um, hum.
So that's what's on my mind this evening. Que te vaya bien.