I was so tired when I finally dragged my lazy self to bed last evening. I regretted drinking that hot chocolate and staying up to watch the end of CSI: Miami almost as soon as I lay (or is it laid?) down to sleep. Sugary beverages at 9:30 = bad idea. My body ached to doze off, but my mind was whirling around in a thousand directions.
I was thinking about money. Or lack thereof.
I was thinking about projects that need to be started and/or completed around my house.
I was thinking about Halloween and wondering what we might do that day.
I was thinking about that pile of clean laundry waiting to be folded. It's so daunting. I tell you no lies, I will be a hundred before I finish putting it all away! And by then what's the point? Elijah will have outgrown all the clothes anyway. On second thought, why do we even bother putting things away just to get them out again? It's like making a bed or picking up toys. Futile!
I was thinking about the rain and how much I hate it. Well, not so much that I hate it. I'm just so frustrated by its unrelenting, continual, drizzle that never gives me a sunny day to play out doors with my adventurous son. Do you know how wired a two-year-old can be when he's stuck indoors for weeks on end? Worse than that, perhaps, is what happens to my hair with moisture like this in the air.
When we were first married my husband used to tell me I had lion hair. His nice way of saying I needed to tame my mane. He is considerate like that.
I was thinking about the fact that my son hasn't eaten a bite of "real" food in DAYS. Oh sure, he'll have a pretzel, raisin, peanut, prune, crouton, spoon of peanutbutter, or nibble of tortilla. But nothing green, nothing nutritious, and for goodness sake - no meat! He goes through phases like this sometimes but they usually pass quickly.
I was thinking about the pain I keep having in my left side just below the underarm. Should I be concerned? Should I have it checked? But I don't have a doctor in this town yet. I should find one. But I need a good one. Which led me to think about health insurance. And copayments, and deductibles. Which led to me thinking about money again.
Then I started thinking about the strange pinching pain in my lower abdomen. And here's where I really started to be irrational. I thought that maybe that pain is connected to the other one, and maybe I'm riddled through with tumors and I'm going to die any day. So I'd better get to that doctor right away. I need to get on the phone first thing tomorrow and find one. I think I've become effected by the cancer and mortality all around me.
Then I thought, this is silly. In stead of all this fretting I need to pray. So I did. I prayed that my family and loved ones be protected. I prayed for my little boy to stay healthy. And for all those I know who are dealing with loss and grief to be healed.
And then, when I finally let my mind rest in knowing that there is One who knows all my worries and will care for me no matter what, I was able to sleep.
But guess what happened after that. A pained cry coming from my son's room woke me up an hour later. When he didn't settle after a few minutes I opted to haul myself in to check on him. He was smashed into a ball with his knees tucked to his chest whimpering "owie. owie. Mommy rock you. Mommy rock you." And so I did. I rocked him for nearly an hour off and on - singing every song I could and reciting everything I know about Thomas the Tank Engine. He never truly stopped whimpering so I asked if he would like to come lay down with Mommy. He agreed but specified that he wanted "Mommy sit up and hold you. Mommy don't lay down".
So for the next few hours I propped myself against the headboard with pillows and held him tummy to tummy, while patting his back and whispering in his ear. That kid, he's clever though. Each time I would try to make myself more comfortable by sliding down to put my head on the pillow, he would wake up and cry again. But Praise be! He fell asleep just after 3:00 am.
I never really rested all night. He got me up again before 6:00. I'm pretty much dead on my feet today.