Thursday, October 29, 2009

Not just a river in Egypt

It was Monday evening when I was able to force my brain to put two and two together. I had started feeling a little "off" about a week prior. My appetite was ravenous! My body felt achy and very VERY tired. I was chugging down water like I would never see it again. And the true "tell" for me was the breast tenderness. And when I would lay in bed at night I just felt... different... in a way I cannot explain.

At first I had mental excuses. There have been some flu bugs going around so I attributed the aches all over to coming down with a little something. (Ha. A little something was right!) I thought I might be about to start, so that's why I had the tenderness and increase in appetite. But the water? Not so sure about that.

Tuesday evening my Mom made supper and it was if I hadn't eaten in a week. I could not shove that turkey salad on sourdough into my mouth fast enough. And I went back for more... not seconds... not thirds... but fourths! I didn't even let the slight embarrassment of her commenting "Wow Sarah, you think you got enough on your sandwich?" slow me down. I shrugged it off and said, "I can't help it, I'm just so hungry!" That kind of tipped me off. I normally eat good sized portions, but not like a total savage.

I started to get suspicious that something was amiss so as soon as I got home that evening I took a home pregnancy test. I watched the one line turn bright pink, then it seemed that nothing else happened. So I walked away. I forced myself to wait 3 minutes before checking again. And when I did I can honestly say I was disappointed. The one line stayed bright pink, but there was only a very very faint - barely visible - second pink line. I concluded that since the paper inside the test gets wet before it changes colors, then the second pink line is a result of the moisture. I reasoned it is kind of like when you get a piece of notebook paper wet and can see the writing on the other side.

I tried to tell myself I was silly to think we could conceive so quickly and not to fret already. I know these things are in God's hands and He will allow or not allow a baby in HIS timing. But still. It stung a little to see a negative result.

Three times I threw that test away, then dug it out of the trash again. I would check it every half hour to see if anything had changed. Nope, still one dark line and one I could barely see. So I finally put it away and tried to go to bed. I did not sleep that night. I lay there while my mind played tricks on me until the wee hours of the morning.

Maybe it didn't show up yet because it's too early in the cycle to test? Maybe my calculations are off and I'm not late yet? Maybe I'll start soon so we can start this whole thing over again? Maybe these symptoms are in my mind?

I could not concentrate on anything the following day. I just could not wait to go to bed so I could get up the next morning and take another test. I was a nervous wreck.

Still with both feet firmly planted in a River called Denial, I decided to find out what my husband thought on Wednesday night when we were putting Elijah to bed. We were standing in the bathroom about to brush his teeth- me with the toothbrush in one hand and the HPT in the other, him with Elijah on his hip. I held out the HPT and showed it to him asking "Honey, look at this. Do you think this looks like one line or two?".

He craned his neck for a better look and after a second (during which I am sure I saw his eyes bulge out of his head a little bit) he started grinning. Between giggles he looked at me and said "You're going to have a baby!" Then he turned his attention to Elijah, who had given up on us and started brushing his own teeth by that time, and announced "Elijah, Mommy's going to have a baby!"

Still in disbelief, I kept shaking my head and pointing. "But no. You see, the second line is so light you can't really see it." He was grinning so wide he had to literally wipe the smile off his face with his hand to answer me. "But don't they say you can't get a false positive?" Yes, that is what they say. But the longer I have thought about this the more I have talked myself out of the possibility it was positive. I guess I was keeping my hopes from getting too high.

His excitement over this development got me excited and before we knew it we were both laughing and hugging. Elijah didn't get it. He just whined about not wanting to brush his teeth any more. I finally admitted that I've been staring at the test for 24 hours now and didn't know if I should say anything. I did feel good though, to have his support.

We both decided that I should take another test on Thursday morning (today) just to see if the line shows up any darker... just to play it safe. Waiting is killer! I couldn't sleep again that night. This time it was more from anticipation than from disappointment.

Morning finally came. I took the HPT and... low and behold... two lovely pink lines. This time the second one showed up nice and clear. At this point I think I am officially over my denial. Manny, however, was confident all along.

I waited until a reasonable hour to call Sarah and Jeri up in Indianapolis to share the news. Of course, they were both very happy for us.

Now if I can only find a way to break the news to my Mom. I am terrified that she will give me a disapproving lecture on how to be a responsible adult. I truly wish she could be happy for me. But everything I've ever heard her say on the subject leads me to expect otherwise. It is very hard knowing that she may not share in our excitement. But maybe I will be pleasantly surprised...

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