Doubts and Desires

I just have a bad feeling about this. I sincerely hope I'm off base, but I sense that something isn't quite right.

I've been concerned about this high blood pressure. Personally I don't feel like something is wrong, but reading too many books has a way of inducing crazy paranoia. What is it about hearing worst case scenarios that makes you think everything under the sun will go wrong? But I know my blood pressure was high at my last appointment. I also know that 2 weeks after that when I checked it again it was still on the high side. I've read that there's nothing, aside from the birth of the baby, that will "cure" it. The doctor called in a prescription for something, which I have rebelled and not even picked up from the pharmacy. I may be scolded for this at my next visit.

I've been giving a lot of thought to natural childbirth this time around. Perhaps even a water birth. I haven't done all the research I'd like, but this is the way I'm leaning. I still have to discuss options with my doctor and find out if the Women's Hospital allows water births.

It's just that I so very much regret being induced with Elijah. I didn't want the pitocen or the epidural. But when you go from zero contractions, to having them every 45 seconds and the pain is an 8 out of 10 within the first 20 minutes, things don't always turn out as planned. It is my firm belief that sooner or later the baby will emerge at the right time, and that if I let my body ease into the process naturally it will be less stressful and less traumatic. I know, labor hurts. YES it does!! But having your body pumped full of artificial hormones to force labor just doesn't seem like the way to go. Not to mention the fact that I now have scar tissue on my spine from that stupid epidural and I live with pain from it. So no, I'm not eager to repeat that.

Plus, I really believe that the process will be much shorter and maybe even easier for me this time. Last time I labored for 6 hours before I started pushing, which only took 18 minutes from start to finish. So, my body can do a short labor. At least I know I'm capable. I can't tell you how many times I've wondered when I would have gone into labor on my own. Or how long it really would have taken. Or even after being induced, if I could have made it without the epidural. (I know I could have.) And the thing is, epidurals slow down the progress, so I quite possibly could have had him in less than 6 hours. Furthermore, subsequent births tend to take less time. So that works to my favor.

It's like this is my change for a do-over. This time I'm putting my foot down. I'm not getting forced into any medical treatment I do not want. I'm going to do my homework and decide beforehand what I want. I'm going to make a birth plan and stick to it.

But what if there's something wrong with me like preeclampsia or gestational diabetes that prevents me from having natural childbirth? This is my main concern. I don't want to spend the entire time hooked up to a stinking IV or confined to the bed. So, I'm praying for a healthy pregnancy and the option to go through the labor/delivery process with as little medical intervention as possible.

I have an appointment on the 26th (week from tomorrow) for an ultrasound and a visit with my doctor. We'll (hopefully) get to find out the gender of the baby. And I'm anxious to see if everything is healthy and well.

I stepped on the scale yesterday morning. I know, what pregnant woman wants to do that?? But I did. And I am down -5 pounds from my pre-pregnancy weight. So, that's good I suppose.