I am so thankful my life did not turn out the way I wanted it to when I was 18. There but by the grace of God go I...
Do you remember your first love? I'm not talking about the boy in middle school you were crushing over, because we all know how that one goes. (Wasn't it the same boy for all of us? ha ha!) I'm talking about the guy you went on dates with, met his family, smooched at the end of the night, vacationed together, wrote letters to, exchanged gifts with, celebrated anniversaries maybe, even said "I love you". Yep, that one.
I met that one in high school. We started dating my Junior year, and though there were silly pointless "boyfriends" before him, he was the first one I truly cared for. We're not talking puppy love here folks. It kind of pains me to recall it, but history is history. Right? I truly believe we were in love - the real kind - however much 17 and 18 year-olds can be "in love". Granted, there was a great deal of infatuation involved too, but I think that counts.
Some girls are lucky enough to marry the sweetheart of their youth. I was
We broke up my freshman year of college. At the time I was heartbroken, but things turned around pretty quickly and I met Manny 8 months later -- 2 months after that we were engaged -- 11 months after that we were married! So, yeah, things worked out OK for me. :)
So, in the months following the break-up we spoke a hand full of times but quickly lost touch over the summer (when I became MUCH too busy to care about him any more!). There were a few phone calls and one very awkward time we bumped into each other. But after that it was o.v.e.r. I didn't give it another thought, except in passing when the unexpected memory would catch me off guard. By-gones.
And then... ah, the age of technology. That popular social networking site changed a few things. I had succeeded at avoiding him for several years now. Not that I care, or still have any feelings, but I just wanted to avoid the unpleasant rehashing of old "what ifs" and "remember whens" I thought would come with any kind of new contact.
Then last week I got a message (on the above mentioned social networking site) from that one I had so carefully evaded. Much to my surprise it was pleasant. It was light-hearted and funny and kind. It was the sort of correspondence we shared, as I recollect, from way-back days gone by.
I can't tell you what terrible thing I expected would happen when and if we ever spoke again. I feel silly about it looking back. But it was none of those terrible things I imagined. He is well. He is happy and married and successful. He sounded genuinely happy for me and the way my life shaped up. We messaged back and forth 5 or 6 times, and that was that. We both said it was good to talk again. We were not bitter. We were not awkward. I admit it felt like weight off my shoulders. I have now officially conquered my unease with the ex.bf. (I can do anything now.)
That evening, just for good measure- to make sure the chapter was firmly closed- I went home and pulled out my old paper journals (you know, the ones I never use any more) from back in those days. I read all about school, and friends, and our relationship, and all the drama that went with it.
And you wanna know what I found? We were not as blissfully in love as I recalled. Don't get me wrong, it wasn't all bad. I think we were happy most of the time. But I can see in hindsight why we would not have made it in the long run. We fought. I complained (to my journal) all the time about not liking how he treated me. He was selfish. In the end he cheated on me for crying out loud! But over and over I forgave him and swooned over him and set myself up for disappointment.
How did I miss that? What blinded me so? I know exactly what it was... how foolish we are when we are young and infatuated!
So it is with new found gratitude that I thank God for my dear husband and precious little son. I have seen what might have been, and now with fresh eyes, I can see it is not where I should have been. Praise the Lord for His providence over me.
So that chapter in my life is, thankfully, not only water under the bridge... its gone very far out to sea.
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